Beautiful Helen - Fair Helen
Cast:
PARIS (tenor)
MENELAUS (tenor)
AGAMEMNON (baritone)
CALCHAS (bass)
ACHILLE (tenor)
AJAX I (tenor)
AJAX II (baritone)
HELEN (soprano)
ORESTES (soprano or tenor)
LEONA (soprano)
PARTHENIS (soprano)
BACCHIS (mezzo-soprano)
CHORUS
guards, slaves, people, Princes, princesses, mourners for Adonis, Helen's entourage
Overture
ACT I
A public square in Sparta
No.1 - Introduction
CHORUS
To your altars, Jovie, we hasten joyfully
with our greetings!
Here we all are
at your knee!
Sovereign God of Gods,
you of the golden beard.
hear our words, o Jupiter Stator!
To your altars we hasten joyfully
Accept our offerings,
father of the immortals.
Accept our offerings,
to deck your altars.
Accept these baskets
made of rushes and reeds
and these rosy bunches of grapes
and this pair of doves.
Accept our offerings.
To your altars, etc.
CALCHAS
Too many flowers. Too many flowers… What paltry offerings... All these bouquets are getting in the way... What dreary offerings!... Ah, the happy time of steaming ox-dung and sheep's entrails is long gone... And as for the gods! ... ....They've deserted us.
PHILOCOME
Not all of them, Sire: look at Venus.
CALCHAS
Yes, thanks, I know... I've seen the graph of last month's offerings in the Cythera Echo. It's a scandal!
PHILOCOME
Venus's augur will be doing big business.
CALCHAS
Apparently there are none except the ones for her. Ever since the competition on Mount Ida, since she
beat both Minerva and Juno, thanks to that shepherd,
that Paris. And under the very eyes of Jupiter, our
father, who is now in one of his depressions...
Too many flowers, my friend, too many flowers...
This is not a sacrifice, it's Interflora!
PHILOCOME
Is that a goddess?
CALCHAS
No. Well, almost. Anyway, there's a problem. It's
going to he one of those hot days.
PHILOCOME
mockingly
The anniversary…
CALCHAS
Yes, the anniversary… The feast of Adonis. On this day Venus, on her way to rescue him, cut her little feet, and with her blood stained the roses, which before this event had only been white. A likely story! Speaking of which, you will take this bouquet to little Megara, the one who has that shop, Hercules, near the temple of Bacchus. Too many flowers… Paltry offerings… Dreary offerings… Not a word!
The day commences: here comes the fairer half of Sparta, the mourners for Adonis, led by our splendid sovereign queen.
No. 1b - Chorus of Young Girls
CHORUS
It is the duty of young girls,
the scions of great families,
to sigh from time to time
over the deaths of fine young men.
HELEN
animatedly
Adonis, we shed tears
over your fate,
and you, Venus, see our anxiety.
Love is dying! Love is dead!
CHORUS
Love is dying! Love is dead!
No. 2a - Couplets
HELEN
Divine loves! Passionate flames!
Venus! Adonis! Glory to you!
The fire which burns our souls to distraction,
alas, that fire is no longer in us.
Hear us, Venus, fair Venus, we must have love,
though it has vanished from the world!
CHORUS
We must have love, though it has vanished from the world!
HELEN
We must have love, we want love!
These present times are flat and wan:
more love, more passion!
And our poor sick souls
are wasting away!
Hear us, Venus, fair Venus, we must have love,
though it has vanished from the world!
CHORUS
We must have love, though it has vanished from the world!
The women's chorus having left, Helen remains alone with Calchas.
HELEN
Calchas, wait.
CALCHAS
Always at your service, daughter of Leda.
But I have a sacrifice…
HELEN
The sacrifice will wait.
CALCHAS
So what is it then? Let's hear it.
HELEN
It's just that... You'll say I'm crazy, like last time...
CALCHAS
My Queen! Never! The respect…
HELEN
No, Calchas, the Mount Ida affair, I can't stop
thinking about it. That wood, those goddesses, that apple and oh, that shepherd!… You haven't had any further details?
CALCHAS
No, queen, very sorry. Right, the sacrifice…
HELEN
Calchas, tell me! Tell me again! As a thank-you
to that shepherd, Venus promis'd him the love of'
the most beautiful woman in the world, didn't she?
Well?
CALCHAS
Yes, I've told you. I can vouch for it.
HELEN
And the most beautiful woman in the world is...?
CALCHAS
Is you!
HELEN
Hush, hush! There she is. By my father! There she
is again!
CALCHAS
She? Who's she?
HELEN
Fate! Fate, who is always near me.
CALCHAS
Well, that's true. So, great queen...
HELEN
My birth, Calchas, my parentage, you know about it?
That swan being hunted by an eagle which Leda saved in her arms... That swan was my father, so how do you think I could be an ordinary woman?
Sit down, Calchas, heIp me, you who know how I wandered in my youth; after all those shipwrecks, I thought I had come into harbour.
CALCHAS
That's to say Menelaus
HELEN
I did everything I could to love him, everything.
But Icouldn't... Alas, I couldn't.
CALCHAS
If one can't do something.., one can't!
HELEN
What is going to happen? Gods! I should have so liked a peaceful bourgeois life at Mitylene.
However - it's Venus who commands.
And Fate, Fate...
CALCHAS
That's an excuse.
HELEN
Quiet, Calchas, and you'lI hear the peolple, accusing me and shouting as they follow my chariot in a great crowd: "That's not a queen, it's a fowl!"
CALCHAS
A fowl?
HELEN
Is it my fault I'm the daughter of a bird?
No.2 bis
CALCHAS
over the music
No, of course not.
But go in, great queen, Orestes is coming!
HELEN
Oh! My darling nephew!
CALCHAS
Yes, and in rather bad company.
HELEN
lt runs in the family: oh, those Atrides. He's sure to be with Parthenis. She's not had, that Parthenis, it's just that girls like that always dress like that!
Exit Helen.
No.3 - Orestes' song
ORESTES
In the tavern in the labyrinth,
tonight, I've eaten, old man,
with the daughters of Corinth,
the very best in Greece.
Here are Parthenis and Leoena,
who told me they wanted to meet you.
CALCHAS
Could I have expected this?
Ladies, I have the honour to be...
ORESTES
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
CHORUS OF YOUNG GIRLS
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
CALCHAS
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
ORESTES
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
ALL
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
ORESTES
Look at their little pink noses,
their little hands and pretty feet,
and all those other little things
that arouse grand passions.
Here are Parthenis and Leoena,
who told me they wanted to meet you.
CALCHAS
Could I have expected this?
Ladies, I have the honour to be...
ORESTES
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
CHORUS OF YOUNG GIRLS
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
CALCHAS
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
ORESTES
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
ALL
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
ORESTES
These are the ladies with whom Orestes
throws daddy's money around.
And daddy really doesn't mind,
because it's Greece that'll pay.
Here are Parthenis and Leoena,
who told me they wanted to meet you.
CALCHAS
Could I have expected this?
Ladies, I have the honour to be...
ORESTES
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
CHORUS OF YOUNG GIRLS
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
CALCHAS
Here are Parthenis and Leoena.
ORESTES
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
ALL
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
ORESTES
Young ladies, here is Calchas, as requested!
Calchas the celebrated Augur, the official Oracle,
Agamemnon's "Mystic Meg", eh, what, Calchas!
CALCHAS
Delighted! Excuse me, an urgent sacrifice...
LEOENA
A sacrifice, today?
PARTHENIS
So what's "that special occasion"?
CALCHAS
Ooh, is that Argos-speak?
PARTHENIS
Well, I've been reading the catalogue!
CALCHAS
Well then, "that special occasion" is Adonis's anniversary.
And you can't go in. I know you, you'll spoil the sacrifice.
It's the Queen herself who presides over the ceremony.
ORESTES
The Queen? My Aunt Helen? She's in no position to...
CALCHAS
Young man!
ORESTES
Very well, let's not get het up, we'll bow and take our leave.
Ciao, Calchas, love and kisses to Auntie!
No. 3b - Orestes' exit
ORESTES, CHORUS
Zing la la, zing la la,
oya Kephale, Kephale, o la la!
CALCHAS
Zing la la, zing la la! Ye Gods! And to think that he's the son of Agamemnon!
Ah, youth - crazy, crazy! Me too, once, I could have...
Alas, the gods didn't allow... Right, now to the sacrifice, to the sacrifice!
PARIS
Sir? Are you Jupiter's soothsayer?
CALCHAS
Yes, that's me.
aside
But what's got into everybody?... Excuse tue, but I'm busy, b-i-zzy!
One extremely late sacrifice!
PARIS
The sacrifice will wait.
CALCHAS
Pardon? Do you want me to read your cards?
As if we were in suburban Phrygia?
PARIS
aside
What a soothsayer!
to his face
Didn't you get Venus's letter?
CALCHAS
I did not, sir.
aside
A madman! That's all I needed...
PARIS
That's odd: the pigeon left before I did...
CALCHAS
aside
Help!
PARIS
Don't you believe me, sir? Look, then...
No.4 - Melodrama
Very soft music in the orchestra
CALCHAS
What?
PARIS
Up there, in the blue sky... that little spot which is getting bigger and bigger!
CALCHAS
looking
So what? It's a bird.
PARIS
So what? It's my pigeon. And it's my letter.
CALCHAS
By Venus!
PARIS
Just so...
CALCHAS
But, but...! What's it up to?
The pigeon, entering right, comes and lands on Paris's hand. lt flaps its wings, holding a letter in its beak.
PARIS
lt wants to know if there's any reply.
to the pigeon
No, there isn't.
CALCHAS
looking at the letter
A Cytherean stamp...
It really is from Venus. Venus...
No.5 - Melodrama
CALCHAS
reading
A twenty-year-old man with blond hair,
a shepherd, will come.
In the name of Venus, who rose from the waves,
Calchas will listen to him.
To this sweet shepherd, of whom Venus declares
that he has marvellous taste,
Venus has promised the most beautiful woman
alive under the heavens.
So, when the divine Helen appears,
the daughter of Leda,
Calchas will point out the queen to the shepherd,
saying: "There you are!"
PARIS
There you are!
CALCHAS
So, is it you, Paris, the son of King Priam, brother of the great Hector?
But you know, they talk about you everywhere, on TV, in the papers, the oracles,
everywhere! So, that was you, that judgement?
PARIS
Yes, it was me.
CALCHAS
So, you've seen the goddess.
PARIS
Just as I'm seeing you... that is...
CALCHAS
And you wouldn't mind...
PARIS
What?
CALCHAS
Giving me a bit of an idea...
PARIS
No, not at all, sir, listen to the story.
No.6 - The Judgement of Paris
PARIS
On Mount Ida, three Goddesses
were arguing in a wood.
Who, these Princesses asked,
is the most beautiful of us three?
Heigh-ho, these Goddesses
have such funny ways,
heigh-ho, such funny ways
of beguiling the boys.
Into this wood there came a young man,
a fresh and handsome young man (that's me!).
In his hand he held an apple -
you get the picture.
Hey, there! You fine young man,
ah, fine young man, stop,
and please give the apple
to the most beautiful of us.
Heigh-ho, these Goddesses
have such funny ways,
heigh-ho, such funny ways
of beguiling the boys.
One of them said: "I am discreet,
modest, chaste;
give the prize to Minerva,
Minerva has deserved it."
Heigh-ho, these Goddesses
have such funny ways,
heigh-ho, such funny ways
of beguiling the boys.
The second said: "I am well-born,
proud as my peacock.
I must be the winner, I think,
give the apple to Juno."
Heigh-ho, these Goddesses
have such funny ways,
heigh-ho, such funny ways
of beguiling the boys.
The third, ah, the third!
The third said nothing:
she got the prize just the same,
Calchas - you know what I mean!
Heigh-ho, these Goddesses
have such funny ways,
heigh-ho, such funny ways
of beguiling the boys.
CALCHAS
Compliments, congratulations, bravo! Venus commands, I shall obey!
My oracles and myself' are at your service.
Should I introduce you straight away to the queen?
PARIS
Yes, but without saying who I am.
The mourners for Adonis enter with Helen, who comes in last.
When she appears, she is struck by the beauty of the shepherd.
Paris is excited.
CALCHAS
to Paris
Then, when the divine Helen appears, the daughter of Leda,
Calchas will point out the queen to the shepherd, saying:
"There you are!"
The women go out.
Helen remains, kept back by who knows what...
HELEN
Calchas!
CALCHAS
My Queen?
HELEN
indicating Paris
Who is that young man?
CALCHAS
A foreigner.
HELEN
What work does he do?
CALCHAS
He's a shepherd.
HELEN
A shepherd?
How lucky for the shepherdesses that he's just a shepherd!...
But leave us, Calchas. I want to question him.
CALCHAS
Since Venus commands, it is Fate.
HELEN
trembling at the word
Oh...
Exit Calchas.
Why am I so troubled? Why? Young man!
PARIS
Princess!
HELEN
The gods sometimes amuse themselves by appearing in disguise...
PARIS
I am only a mortal... a shepherd.
HELEN
A shepherd?
PARIS
They told me there was a competition. I came along in the hope I'd get noticed.
HELEN
For your beauty?
PARIS
For my intelligence.
HELEN
walking around him
Lovely from the front. Marvellous from the side.
Superb three-quarters view, lift your head a little.
Don't open your mouth. There, like that... Wow!...
He's lovely, a fine shepherd! Just close your mouth!...
PARIS
Oh, Venus...
HELEN
Oh! Admiring you has made me forget everything else! What time is it?
PARIS
looking up into the sky
Three twenty-five.
HELEN
So I've got two and a quarter hours!
Three twenty-five! And the ceremony is about to start!
CALCHAS
Queen, watch out, the cortege!
HELEN
We must part, but I'd like to see you again.
PARIS
Oh, you will!
CALCHAS
My Queen! Here come the kings.
HELEN
I must go and put my tiara on - and a drop of "Eau d'Issey".
CALCHAS
That's very trendy - in Sparta!
Exit Helen. Paris disappears.
ORESTES
Daddy's procession!
Everyone comes in. Orestes stations himself in the left-hand corner with Calchas.
No. 7a - March and Couplets for the Kings
CHORUS
Here are the Kings of Greece!
The Chorus must hasten
to name them by their names.
There! People, let's have silence!
Here are the Kings of Greece!
The Chorus most hasten
to name them by their names.
Here are the Kings! Here are the Kings!
AJAX I
These Kings, such brave gallants,
-all ants, -all ants,
these are the pair of Ajaxes!
ORESTES, CALCHAS
The pair of Ajaxes!
AJAX II
Showing off so bumptiously,
so bum- bum- bumptiously,
in their twin cuirasses.
ORESTES, CALCHAS
Their cuir- cuirasses.
AJAX I
Amid the huge din
of the brass and saxes...
THE TWO AJAXES
These Kings, such brave gallants,
-all ants, -all ants,
are the pair of Ajaxes,
fey- fey-jaxes.
ALL
These Kings, such brave gallants,
are the pair of Ajaxes!
Achilles entering
ACHILLES
I'm the ebullient Achilles,
bully Achilles, bully Achilles,
the great myrmidon!
ORESTES, THE TWO AJAXES, CALCHAS
The myrmi- myrmidon!
ACHILLES
Fighting one against a thousand,
one against a thousand,
thanks to the way I duck!
ORESTES, THE TWO AJAXES, CALCHAS
Thanks to the way he ducks!
ACHILLES
I wouldn't have minded
if it wasn't for my heel!
I'm the ebullient Achilles,
bully Achilles, bully Achilles,
the great myrmidon, myrmi- myrmidon!
THE ABOVE and CHORUS
Here's the ebullient Achilles,
bully Achilles,
the great myrmidon!
MENELAUS
entering
I'm the great King Menelaus,
mini-louse, mini-louse,
the great King Menelaus!
ORESTES, ACHILLES, THE TWO AJAXES, CALCHAS
The mini- mini-louse!
MENELAUS
I'm very much afraid that one day Helen,
one day Helen, one day Helen
I say it very quietly ...
ALL
He says it very, very, very quietly!
MENELAUS
… will give me grief-
but let's not get ahead of ourselves.
I'm the great King Menelaus,
mini-louse, mini-louse,
the great King Menelaus!
ALL
He's the great King Menelaus,
mini-louse, mini-louse,
the great King Menelaus!
AGAMEMNON
entering
Next comes bearded King Agamemnon,
Gaga-memnon, Gaga-memnon,
yes, it's Agamemnon.
ALL
Gaga- Gaga-memnon!
AGAMEMNON
And my name alone's so long,
so long, so long,
that I need say nothing else.
ALL
Nothing, nothing else.
AGAMEMNON
I've said enough, I think,
in saying my name,
the bearded King Agamemnon,
Gaga-memnon, Gaga-memnon,
yes, it's Agamemnon!
ALL
The bearded King Agamemnnon,
yes, King Agamemnon,
Gaga- Gaga-memnon!
CALCHAS
leading Helen back in
The Queen!
No. 7b - March (Reprise)
CHORUS
Here are the Kings of Greece!
The chorus must hasten
to call them by their names.
Here are the Kings nf Greece!
Here are the Kings! Here are the Kings!
AGAMEMNON
Kings and peoples of Greece, hail to you!
This day will be dedicated entirely to matters of intelligence.
Strong men, and brave, we have. The two Ajaxes are strong, the ebullient Achilles is strong, and I myself, er...
What we do not have, what we no longer have, are men of intellect.
Greece has become stupid. Achaeans, my friends, today is not for chariot-driving or throwing the discus; young pupils, kings, poets, shepherds...
HELEN
Shepherds?
AGAMEMNON
All are equally allowed to vie for the prize. And you, trumpeters, salute my eloquence as we await the victory of the laureate.
ORESTES
Bravo, pops!
AGAMEMNON
We shall begin. Brother Menelaus, read it out, please.
MENELAUS
Gladly. My first is not so lofty,
not so high.
My second, in a limited way, is all the members.
My third is what surrounds
an old castle, with water in it.
ALL
Moat! Moat!
AGAMEMNON
The third is "moat".
Our stupidity is not as complete as you might think. Continue, King Menelans.
MENELAUS
My fourth is what a Cockney says for 'lift'.
My whole roars along like the wind.
That's the end.
AGAMEMNON
So, go to it, young athletes!
AJAX I
Parley!
AJAX II
Fraternity!
ACHIILLES
Motown!
They repeat these three words all at once.
AGAMEMNON
Who said 'Parley'?
AJAX I
Me!
AGAMEMNON
Why, you otter fool? Why?
AJAX I
The king said: 'In a limited way it's all the members.'
MENELAUS
Oh, that's a bit far-fetched.
AGAMEMNON
That's the second syllable, dear friend. Poor boy...
And who said 'Fraternity'?
AJAX II
Me, but I take it back.
AGAMEMNON
And if I've any advice for whoever said 'Motown',
it's to do the same.
ACHILLES
But why? I mean, 'moat' comes in 'Motown'.
In 'Motown' you can hear 'moat'.
AGAMEMNON
All right, let's find someone a bit cleverer. Anyone?
Paris steps forward.
HELEN
swooning
Oh, it's him...
AGAMEMNON
A shepherd! What do you, want?
PARIS
To solve the riddle!
ACHILLES
Little upstart!
AGAMEMNON
Well, of course, after the kings, it's not...
So be brief! Speak! Quickly! We're listening.
PARIS
My first is not so lofty, not so high:
'Low.'
MENELAUS
Yes, yes, yes...
PARIS
My second, in a limited way, is all the members: 'Co.'
HELEN
Oh, yes, yes...
PARIS
My third is what surrounds an old castle with water...
ACHILLES
'Moat!'
AGAMEMNON
That's what we all said!
ACHILLES
Yes, so what about the fourth …
PARIS
It's corny, the fourth, but it's not difficult.
What the Cockney says for 'lift': 'eave.
Low-Co.-moat-'eave.
ACHILLES
Locomotive! I've got it!
PARIS
Yes, locomotive!
And it's brilliant to have found it four thousand years before the railways were invented!
ACHILLES
And it was me who said it!
AGAMEMNON
Achilles, you're starting to get on my... Shut up!
It's the shepherd who won.
HELEN
The winner! He has won me!
ORESTES
Fanfare - a fanfare for the stranger!
ALL
All hail!
AGAMEMNON
And now, rhyming endings.
Rhyming endings, the second test! Menelaus, read out the rhymes.
MENELAUS
Right then! This one's quite easy. It's just for starters...
very quickly
Chaîne, poids, peine, trois.
Chaîne, poids, peine, trois.
AGAMEMNON
Come on, poets! Let's crush the shepherd!
CALCHAS
Say the rhymes again!
MENELAUS
Chaîne, poids, peine, trois.
AJAX I
My turn, gentlemen! Here's a quatrain:
Every chain
has a pea,
every pain
has three.
AGAMEMNON
Do you understand that, Menelaus?
MENELAUS
Not at all, but it sounds nice, and it's sweet.
lt doesn't mean a thing, but it's sweet. You'd do well in school, Ajax.
ACHILLES
My turn!
Put me on a long chain,
load me down with a big weight,
and still t'il get without pain
as far as Troy.
AGAMEMNON
That's not verse!
ACHILLES
And why not?
AGAMEMNON
Oh, if we've got to start from basics...
We haven't the time to...
AJAX I
Ah, it's the king...
ALL
The shepherd! The shepherd!
Ah!...
PARIS
You're calling me again?
HELEN
Yes...
MENELAUS
You see, she speaks Greek!...
I agree!
HELEN
Speak!
PARIS
And what I say is:
Marriage is a chain
of great avoirdupois...
HELEN
Yes...
PARIS
but there's much less pain
in a ménage à trois.
HELEN
Marvellous.., delightful...
MENELAUS
I didn't quite understand it, but it's rather neat!
AGAMEMNON
To you, shepherd, goes the crown of laurels...
No. 8 - Finale
ALL
All hail!
Hail, hail to the victorious shepherd!
He really is ingenious.
Hail, hail to the victorious shepherd!
ACHILLES
hopping mad
Beaten! By a shepherd!
AGAMEMNON
So who is this person?
PARIS
This person is Paris, son of King Priam!
ALL
Paris!
HELEN
Oh, heavens! The chap with the apple!
PARIS
The chap with the apple!
ALL
Oh, heavens, it's the chap with the apple!
The chap with the apple, oh, heavens!
Ha, ha, ha, ha!
MENELAUS
very happy
So you are a gentleman?
I'm really, really pleased.
Helen would have been upset
to have had her noble hand
setting the green laurel wreath
on the brow of a nobody.
to Helen
Crown him, Madame.
HELEN
ecstatic
Ah, with all my heart!
ALL
Hail to victorious Paris!
He really is ingenious.
MENELAUS
And now, I hope that this evening
we shall have the honour of seeing you
at our royal dwelling.
HELEN
with feeling
We eat at seven...
We sit down at table at seven.
PARIS
Daughter of Jupiter, I shall not forget.
No, no, no, no,
I shall not forget.
HELEN
aside
It is Fate which has thrown him across my path!
CALCHAS
to Paris
Well then, are you pleased?
PARIS
softly
I'd be much more so
if that monarch was out of the way!
CALCHAS
I'm about to arrange that!
PARIS
Thank you, my good Calchas!
CALCHAS
Philocome, to work!
Clap of thunder. Freeze.
AGAMEMNON
Oh! The thunder rumbles
and all the world
is at a standstill,
yes, at a standstill!
ALL
This thunderclap
announces to earth
announces to earth
a news bulletin!
CALCHAS
as if stroked by an invisible hand
From my head to my feet
I feel a sort of tickling.
Stop it, Jupiter, this is silly!
CHORUS
Hear us, the moment is at hand!
CALCHAS
as if inspired
The gods decree, decree through my voice,
through my voice, Jupiter decrees, Jupiter decrees:
Menelaus must go and spend a month...
MENELAUS
Where?
CALCHAS
… in the mountains of Crete.
MENELAUS
Oh, come on! Off to Crete!
HELEN
Go on then, off to Crete!
PARIS
My good Calchas, thank you, thank you!
MENELAUS
What the devil am I going to do in Crete?
ALL
Go on, off to Crete.
Go on, away with you!
Away, away, away!
HELEN
to Menelaus
Go on, sweetie-pie,
go on, anywhere at all!
Ha, ha! The king's so rueful to go,
-ful to go, -ful to go,
What a fool to go!
ALL
What a fool to go!
HELEN
And all the people now know,
nonny no, nonny no,
that any time now...
ALL
Any, any time now...
HELEN
It will be, for this monarch,
unwise to be away.
The king's so rueful to go,
-ful to go, -ful to go,
What a fool to go!
A fool, a fool to go!
ALL
The king's so rueful to go,
-ful to go, -ful to go,
What a fool to go!
Go on, away, go on, away, off to Crete!
Don't let anything stop you,
not hell or high water.
Go on, away, off to Crete.
May you arrive, Menelaus,
at that distant land
where, alas! the voice
of destiny leads you!
Menelaus takes his farewells. Paris is overjoyed.
ACT II
Helen's quarters
No. 9 - Entracte
No. 10 - Chorus
CHORUS
O Queen, on this day, you must
put on something special
to honour the four kings
who are visiting you all at the same time.
BACCHIS
showing Helen a tunic
This floaty cymbaric...
HELEN
No, no flashy gowns,
nothing revealing, nothing low-cut,
I want a high-cut dress
which will wall up my grace and beauty.
BACCHIS
What! Wrap yourself up
from head to foot on a day of celebration!
That's a mistake, because...
CHORUS
It's a mistake!
O Queen, on this day, you must
put on something special
to honour the four kings
who are visiting you all at the same time.
When the chorus ends, Helen is dressed. She dismisses her ladies. Only Bacchis remains.
BACCHIS
But surely, Madame, you're not going to stay like
that!
HELEN
Yes, I shall keep this dress on.
BACCHIS
Please, Madame. In an hour you'll have the kings
playing the game - the Goose Game, and then this
evening the grand dinner in the gallery.
HELEN
I shall keep this dress on. I have vowed it! All the
idle ornaments, all those veils bore me... I'd like a
hairshirt to imprison me until my husband gets
back.
BACCHIS
Very well! But luckily everyone knows Madame is
the most beautiful woman in the world!
HELEN
Be quiet! Ah!... Fatal beauty!
BACCHIS
It's Lord Paris, Madame.
HELEN
No, Bacchis, no, no, never, I will never receive him,
never, never! Ah! But then, yes, yes! Why not!
Shortly you will show him in. But first, leave me,
I must call my mother.
BACCHIS
Will you be long?
HELEN
How should I know? However long it takes a girl
to call her mother… You should know.
Leave me!
BACCHIS
Yes, Madame.
aside
Poor Menelaus!
Exit.
HELEN
in front of the mosaic showing Zeus and Leda
Ah! Fate! Fate! My parents, help me! You, father,
turn to me a kindly beak, and you, mother, inspire
me. Ah, Venus! Why did you choose our family?
Why did you choose me to experiment with?
No. 11 - Invocation to Venus
HELEN
They call me Helen the fair,
the fair daughter of Leda.
I've made some ripples in the world -
Theseus, Arcas and the rest.
And yet I'm good by nature;
hot how can one resist
when rascally Venus
takes pleasure in tormenting one?
Tell me, Venus, what pleasure do you find
in bringing about the downfall of virtue?
We are all born mindful
of the need to preserve our husbands' honour,
but annoying circumstances
force us to go astray despite ourselves!
Take my mother, for example:
when she saw that superb swan,
who, as you know, is my father,
could she have stopped herself?
Tell me, Venus, what pleasure do you find
in bringing about the downfall of virtue?
Ah, what unhappy creatures we are!
Beauty, fatal gift of the heavens!
We have to fight against men,
and we have to fight against the gods.
As you all see, I myself struggle,
I struggle and it does no good,
since Olympus wills my downfall!
Some day or other it's sure to happen.
Tell me, Venus, what pleasure do you find
in bringing about the downfall of virtue?
There, that's better! Bacchis! Bacchis!
BACCHIS
Madame?
HELEN
regally
Show in Lord Paris.
Good evening, prince.
PARIS
Good evening, Madame.
HELEN
You are eying my gown?
PARIS
Yes.
HELEN
Does it suit me?
PARIS
Well, now...
HELEN
And what are they wearing in Troy?
PARIS
I don't know.
HELEN
You're not very friendly. Have you something against me?
PARIS
No, I've nothing against you. Listen, Madame, the
goddess promised me the love of the most beautiful
woman in the world. Didn't she?
HELEN
Yes!
PARIS
You have resisted... So I told myself, the most
beautiful woman in the world, perhaps this isn't she...
HELEN
Not me? So who? Are you joking? My sister
Clytemnestra, with that nose? The little Grimaldi
woman on her rock, or that imbecile Penelope who
can't talk about anything except weaving tapestries?
PARIS
No, Madame. So...
HELEN
So?
PARIS
So it's you. And since the goddess promised me...
HELEN
Yes...
PARIS
Dear lady... Listen. There are three ways of seducing a woman.
HELEN
Oh yes?
PARIS
First, by love. But do you love me?
HELEN
No.
PARIS
No?
HELEN
No.
PARIS
Right. Next there's force...
HELEN
Force? You wouldn't dare.
aside
How he loves me!
PARIS
We'll see about that!
HELEN
Help! To my aid! Here!
And.., the Third Way?
PARIS
The Third Way, Madame, is by cunning!
He bows and leaves.
HELEN
Cunning? Ah, by my father, I defended myself well.
Bacchis! Bacchis!
Enter the kings and their retinue carrying the things
for the Goose Game.
No.12 - The Goose March
CHORUS
Here he is, the king of kings,
leading in the Goose Game,
the laws of which he will follow,
gladly obeying them.
Hail to the Goose!
HELEN
Calchas, I must speak to you. I'm in a fix...
CALCHAS
After the game, Princess.
CHORUS
For all of us, ah, what joy!
We are going to play the Goose Game.
Hail to the Goose!
No. 13 - Scene of the Goose Game
ACHILLES
So what are we playing for?
AGAMEMNON
There are three talents...
CALCHAS
...and fourteen minae.
ACHILLES
I just don't understand your Spartan coins.
CALCHAS
That's seventeen thousand francs in today's money.
AGAMEMNON
Got to win that!
ACHILLES
Let's play, then!
CALCHAS
I'll play, but give me a moment to call on the gods.
AGAMEMNON
We'll call on them, too.
CHORUS
Don't let the trembling Calchas,
so eager to make a pile,
win this goodly kitty,
o sovereign Jupiter!
CALCHAS
It's good to invoke the gods,
but to help them along is even better!
ORESTES
Your go, Calchas, your go!
ALL
Your go!
CALCHAS
And to win I think
I need a three...
ALL
He needs a three!
You need a three!
CALCHAS
I need a three.
I've got the ten, the five, the nine and then the six.
Where the devil have I stuck the three?
ALL
Well, Calchas?
CALCHAS
I need a three!
ALL
Well, Calchas! You need a three!
AGAMEMNON
If it wasn't for the dignity of sacred office
that surrounds an augur,
I'd swear on my oath
that the Grand Augur was cheating us!
ALL
If it wasn't for the dignity of sacred office
that surrounds an augur,
I'd swear on his oath
that the Grand Augur was cheating them!
THE TWO AJAXES
He's cheating us!
AGAMEMNON
He's cheating us!
BACCHIS, ORESTES
He's cheating us!
AGAMEMNON
The Grand Augur is cheating!
ALL
Cheating! Cheating!
The Grand Augur is cheating!
CALCHAS
The dice is cast.
AGAMEMNON
So?
THE TWO AJAXES
So!
ACHILLES
Play!
ALL
Play!
CALCHAS
There!
You see, I have a three!
ALL
A three!
CALCHAS
I get the three talents and fourteen minae!
AGAMEMNON
So you think we didn't see anything?
CALCHAS
This objection, king of kings...
AGAMEMNON
My dear old man, you have tricked us!
THE TWO AJAXES
He's got loaded dice on him.
ACHILLES
furious
Come on, strip off!
CALCHAS
Are you sure, ebullient Achilles?
HELEN
O Grand Augur, this isn't right!
ORESTES
At least give the money back, and we'll say no more.
CALCHAS
I'm keeping the money and giving nothing back.
ALL
Give the money back, this isn't right!
CALCHAS
Fear Calchas!
Don't insist.
lt isn't done!
Fear Calchas!
THE OTHERS
After Calchas!
Follow him.
Let's search Calchas...
After Calchas!
THE TWO AJAXES
holding on to Calchas
With these goings-on, dear master,
you may end up one day
by giving a bad name
to our country's punters.
THE OTHERS
After Calchas!
Follow him.
Let's search Calchas...
After Calchas!
CALCHAS
Fear Calchas!
Don't insist.
It isn't done!
Fear Calchas!
HELEN
This is all very unpleasant! They won't play here any more!
Leave me, Bacchis, leave me, I've had enough, l'm fed up.
BACCHIS
There, there, Madame! Smile! Get ready for the dinner.
HELEN
No, and I don't feel well, either. There's something I must take care of...
Calchas enters.
BACCHIS
No!... Calchas!...
HELEN
Bacchis, go to the dinner and make my excuses to the kings.
BACCHIS
Madame!
HELEN
Leave us, I say.
Bacchis, on the way you can have the number of slaves who guard my bedroom doubled.
aside
The Third Way, that's by cunning, he said. I don't feel safe.
to Bacchis
Go, child, go!
BACCHIS
Good evening, Madame.
HELEN
Calchas, my friend, how I suffer!
He came, he was here, and what did I do?
I spoke harshly to him, I rebuffed him, because with all my heart...
CALCHAS
Come, Madame, you mustn't let yourself get...
First of all, you're going to get up and go to that dinner.
HELEN
Never! Never! He'll be there. I wouldn't know what... I'm so weak...
And the wine and everytlnng. No! No! I'm going to stay here and try to sleep.
But please, don't go just yet. Talk to me. It's nice having you here.
CALCHAS
Very kind.
HELEN
You know what you could do for me?
CALCHAS
No. What?
HELEN
Send me a dream, a dream, a sweet dream
in which I see him, this ParisI'm running away from, this Paris I adore.
Promise me, Calchas, promise!
In any case, if you don't, I won't love you any more!
CALCHAS
Madame!
HELEN
A dream, Calchas, a dream...
She falls asleep.
CALCHAS
Poor little woman. She's pretty. She's very pretty lying there like that.
But come on, Calchas, it's your queen!
Enter a slave.
What! A slave in the queen's bedchamber!
PARIS
Shhhhhhh!
CALCHAS
amazed
Paris!
PARIS
Quiet, I say!
Enter Bacchis, Paris hides.
BACCHIS
Just as you ordered, Madame, I've doubled the slaves.
CALCHAS
loudly
Quiet, she's asleep!
BACCHIS
So come on!
CALCHAS
But...
BACCHIS
The queen doesn't need you, she's well enough guarded.
CALCHAS
You think so?
BACCHIS
Yes, of course! Let's go to dinner!
CALCHAS
It's Fate...
No.14 - Couplets
PARIS
I see her, she sleeps, and the evening breeze caresses
her divine beauty
as she lies overcome by the heady languor
of this sommer night.
I shall remain here lost in my tender thoughts
until daybreak,
fainting at your feet, o my sweet princess,
from languor and love.
Brrrrrrr, brrrrrrr, brrrrrrrr!
You may or may not believe me,
but it makes me dreamy,
on my word, my word of honour!
Come on, Paris, my boy, let's out lose our head,
let's he bold,
and find the way of getting the just reward
promised by the gods.
Let's move nearer - but now I tremble and falter,
I hardly know why.
It is night, I'm alone, Menelaus is in Crete,
and Venus is on my side...
Brrrrrrr, brrrrrrrr, brrrrrrrr!
You may or may not believe me,
but it makes me dreamy,
on my word, my word of honour!
HELEN
Paris, by my side?
PARIS
Yes.
HELEN
It's only a dream.
PARIS
What's that she says?
HELEN
The dream that Calchas promised me...
PARIS
A dream? Yes of course, my dear.
No. 15 - Duet
HELEN
lt is heaven which sends me
this lovely dream of love,
this sweet dream of love...
What happiness, what joy!
A ray of sunshine
charms my slumber!
Yes, it's a dream!
PARIS
Yes, it's a dream!
TOGETHER
Yes, it's a dream, yes, it's a sweet dream of love!
Night lends mystery to it,
it must end with the day.
Let's enjoy its passing sweetness...
It's only a sweet dream of love!
HELEN
Listen, Paris; answer me
not as prince, but as shepherd...
I'd really like to know...
PARIS
Know what? Speak... speak... finish...
HELEN
I'd never, never dare if it weren't a dream.
PARIS
Speak!
HELEN
Am I as beautiful - as beautiful as Venus?
PARIS
Madame!
HELEN
Am I as beautiful - as beautiful as Venus?
PARIS
Madame!
I cannot reply, princess:
when I crowned the goddess
she was rather less.., I can't say more...
HELEN
Yes... I understand.
PARIS
I saw...
HELEN
What?
PARIS
O dear Helen, you can guess...
I saw divine shoulders...
peeping through a cascade of fair hair.
This enchanting spectacle
made my heart leap.
HELEN
letting some of her clothing drop
Since it's just a dream...
PARIS
Yes, of course, it's just a dream.
HELEN
Since it's lust a dream.., go on, go on...
TOGETHER
Yes, it's a dream, yes, it's a sweet dream of love!
Night lends mystery to it,
it must come to an end!
HELEN
Right, so now say...
PARIS
Princess, I admire your beauty, and yet...
HELEN
And yet?
PARIS
I must say
that, on Mount Ida, Venus
knew how to... In short, I admired her more...
HELEN
So Venus is more beautiful?
PARIS
No!
HELEN
So Venus is more beautiful?
PARIS
No!
But beauty is nothing without a little abandon.
She was aware of it, that immortal goddess,
she was well aware of it... so she let me have
two or three rather long-drawn-out kisses...
HELEN
Rather long-drawn-out?
PARIS
Rather long-drawn-out!
I think that must be why I found her so beautiful!
HELEN
Since this is just a dream...
PARIS
But of course - it's just a dream.
HELEN
letting herself slip into the arms of Paris
Since it's just a dream.., go on, go on.
TOGETHER
Yes, it's a dream,
yes, it's a sweet dream of love!
Night lends mystery to it,
it must end with the day.
Let's enjoy its passing sweetness...
It's just a sweet dream of love!
Enter Menelaus.
HELEN
Heavens! My husband! So it wasn't a dream, then?
MENELAUS
A dream? A nightmare! My wife with a slave!
HELEN
Did you have a nice trip?
MENELAUS
Yes, very nice... But what about that slave?
HELEN
Pretty, is it, Crete?
With woods and mountains, good hunting country?
MENELAUS
trying to see Paris
Yes, I tell you...
HELEN
And the sea?
MENELAUS
Blue! But, by Minerva, it's my Lord Paris!
HELEN
Oops!
MENELAUS
Alone, sir? With my wife!
PARIS
Shush!
MENELAUS
Shush what?
I won't be quiet, I want them to hear me...
HELEN
But why? My dear...
The kings are just there, close by...
MENELAUS
Too bad!
PARIS
But if you make a noise, they'll come in...
MENELAUS
That's what I want.
I want them to be still talking about this business
in four thousand years' time!
No. 19 - Finale
MENELAUS
Come here! Kings of Greece, come here!
HELEN
What are you going to do? What will you do?
PARIS
In these cases it's best to say nothing!
HELEN
Fate! Fate! Fa-
PARIS
-ate!
MENELAUS
Come here! Come here!
Enter the kings, the chorus and everyone else.
ORESTES
Weave crowns of roses,
and quaff a refreshing draught!
ALL
Quaff a refreshing draught!
ORESTES
Let's say crazy things to each other
and have a good time!
ALL
Have a good time!
ORESTES
One really must enjoy oneself,
let oneself have a gond time,
and may the life we're used to
last till we are thirty - or sixty!
ALL
La, la, la, la, la, la!
AGAMEMNON
Look, it's Menelaus!
ALL
The king!
MENELAUS
Yes, it's me! Yes, it's me!
pointing to Helen and Paris
I've just found her alone with this lord!
Tell me, kings of Greece.
You who were supposed to be looking after
the princess... What have you done...
ALL
What have you done...
MENELAUS
With my honour?
ALL
With his honour!
MENELAUS
What have you done with my honour?
AGAMEMNON
Cripes! Your honour!
ALL
Cripes! His honour!
Cripes! Your honour!
MENELAUS
Yes, my honour!
ALL
Yes, his honour!
HELEN
Ah, what have I done,
Ah, what have t done with his honour?
PARIS
Ba-da, ba-da, ba-da, ba-da...
AGAMEMNON
Bing, bing, bing, bing...
ORESTES, BACCHIS
Ta, ta, ta, ta, ta...
THE OTHERS
Zing, zing, zing, balaboom!
ALL
With his honour?
Don't shout, dear host,
for it's rather your own fault!
MENELAUS
What? My own fault?
ALL
Yes, your fault,
yes, it's your fault,
cripes, it's your own fault!
MENELAUS
My own fault!
HELEN
Yes, sir, your own fault:
a wise husband
is away on a trip.
He's planning to return:
foresight
and decency
give him a duty to warn...
Then his wife is ready,
and makes a great show
of receiving him tenderly...
And that's how
a gentleman
avoids any inconvenience!
CHORUS
And that's how
a gentleman
avoids any inconvenience!
HELEN
If he carelessly
runs a risk
by suddenly arriving home,
well, he's the master,
but it's perhaps
unwise and in bad taste,
for he lays himself open
to something unpleasant,
by arriving home at a bad moment...
And that's how
a gentleman
experiences some inconvenience!
CHORUS
That's how
a gentleman
experiences some inconvenience!
MENELAUS
All right! But you must give me revenge
on him who dares to cause me outrage!
AGAMEMNON
to Paris
Be off, young philanderer,
your conduct horrifies me!
PARIS
Leave here all alone, without Helen?
Then, my lords, I would have
to come back later and abduct her!
THE KINGS, CALCHAS, BACCHIS, CHORUS
Go, leave, seducer, and be quick about it!
HELEN
aside, to Paris
Ge on, go on, my love goes with you!
I fear their anger;
go, remove from their anger,
my proud seducer,
that head which is so dear to me!
ALL
except Helen and Paris
A vile seducer
insults and outrages us.
Like brave-hearted Greeks,
let's see him off the premises!
PARIS
On my side I've got the queen,
and the gods, too!
It's no good them
shouting like this.
When Venus commands,
why rebel?
Every shepherd
must have his day!
CHORUS
Be off! Be off!
PARIS
When Venus commands,
why rebel?
CHORUS
Be off! Be of off!
A vile seducer
insults and outrages us.
Like brave-hearted Greeks,
let's see him off the premises!
PARIS
I'm not afraid of you!
And I laugh at your outrage,
for I've had to prove
my courage in battle!
AGAMEMNON
Run along, run along,
and be quick about it,
for I can feel
my hackles rise!
HELEN
Go on, go on, my love goes with you!
CHORUS
Run, run, run, run along,
and be quick about it,
for I can feel
my hackles rise!
Go on, leave!
PARIS
No-one has ever told Paris
to run, run, run along!
And I too feel
my hackles
rise, rise, rise!
I'm not afraid of you!
And I laugh at your outrage,
for I've had to prove
my courage in battle!
HELEN
Ah! I fear their anger;
go, remove from their anger,
my proud seducer,
that head which is so dear to me!
ALL
except Helen and Paris
A vile seducer
insults and outrages us!
Like brave-hearted Greeks,
let's see him off the premises!
Act III
A beach at Nauplia
No.17 - Entracte
Venus's Galley
No. 18a - Chorus and Orestes' song
CHORUS
Let's dance, make love,
drink and sing!
And let's prance about with a will!
Come on, drink,
and a fig for chaste Minerva!
Let's dance, make love,
drink and sing!
Hail to Venus!
Hail to Bacchus!
And a fig for chaste Minerva!
Let's dance, make love,
drink and sing!
Let's dance! And prance about with a will!
Hail to Venus!
Hail to Bacchus!
ORESTES
King Menelaus upset the goddess
by sending Paris packing.
CHORUS
By sending Paris packing.
ORESTES
Ever since that day,
Venus has placed in the hearts of the women of
Greece an immense need for pleasure and love.
CHORUS
An immense need for pleasure and love.
ORESTES
Venus has placed deep in our soul
an all-consuming fire.
CHORUS
Venus has placed deep in our soul
an all-consuming fire.
ORESTES
If, despite this raging passion,
a husband wants
to keep his wife to himself,
we say to him in song:
"Off to Leucadia, spoil-sport!
Off to Leucadia, you nuisance!"
CHORUS
Off to Leucadia, you nuisance!
ORESTES
Agamemnon, my dear father,
is most put out about this.
CHORUS
Agamemnon, his dear father,
is most put out about this.
ORESTES
He says his nature
obliges him to shout: "Whoa there!"
when he gets too angry;
we tell him: "Daddy,
off to Leucadia, spoil-sport!
Off to Leucadia, you nuisance!"
CHORUS
Off to Leucadia, you nuisance!
ORESTES
Is the water nice, ebullient Achilles?
ACHILLES
I don't know, I can't swim.
AJAX Il
No sand, all shingle - it wouldn't do for you!
ACHILLES
Why not?
AJAX Il
Because of your heel.
ACHILLES
My heel! As ever! Oh, mother!
Enter Agamemnon and Calchas in bathing costumes.
AGAMEMNON
aside
Let's mix with the crowd and eavesdrop inconspicuously.
CALCHAS
If we could go and get dressed...
AGAMEMNON
Presently.
AJAX I
What's new in Nauplia?
LEOENA
Quite a lot of husbands have left their wives.
PARTHENIS
And quite a lot of wives have left their husbands.
LEOENA
aside, to Parthenis
Oh, well, you can 'ave 'im, yer bully Achilles!
PARTHENIS
No thanks, no way.
ACHILLES
who has overheard
But why?
AGAMEMNON
Did you hear? Dallience upon dallience...
It's Venus's revenge, and it won't stop till we take a decision.
We absolutely have to speak to King Menelaus.
CALCHAS
Not before we get dressed, I hope!
AGAMEMNON
Obviously. Calchas, are you shivering?
CALCHAS
Yes, Sire.
AGAMEMNON
Me too. We'd better go and get dressed.
Especially as my outfit is so utterly undignified.
Tomorrow I'll bathe with my crown on.
They go off
LEOENA
Whyever did the queen wish to come to a bathing resort before the usual season?
AJAX I
To calm herself down. She needed to, after that terrible scene a week ago.
AJAX II
Besides, she couldn't stand being at Sparta after Paris left.
LEOENA
Has he really gone?
ORESTES
Yes.
PARTHENIS
He gave up.
ACHILLES
Gave up what? In any case, I didn't like him...
I had a nasty feeling...
AJAX II
And King Menelaus, what did he say about it?
ORESTES
Nothing. But as for my aunt, she's certainly not happy!
PARTHENIS
And what's more, here she is!
LEOENA
And the king's with her!
ORESTES
The king, the Leucadian spoil-sport!
No. 18b - Melodrama
The orchestra quietly reprises the refrain of the "Leucadia" couplets
and everyone goes off upstage. People retire a few at a time.
Then Helen enters, followed by Menelaus.
MENELAUS
"So it wasn't a dream, then?"
That's the sentence I want you to explain.
HELEN
Grrrrr!...
MENELAUS
A week ago, you uttered this sentence... And in circumstances...
HELEN
Heavens!
MENELAUS
I don't understand this sentence, but it bothers me!
HELEN
Gods give me patience!
MENELAUS
But tell me, what was it that wasn't a dream?
HELEN
Sir...
MENELAUS
Madame...
HELEN
I came to Naupha to forget, to take my mind off things
with walks along the seashore, but didn't expect to be unable to do so
without seeing your face! Your face, Sir!
Look at yourself, and you'll understand that you irritate me, you infuriate me,
you are insufferable...
MENELAUS
Yes, I understand that. But what I don't understand is that sentence...
A week ago...
HELEN
A week ago! He's talking about something that happened a week ago!
I can't remember that far back, Sir!
MENELAUS
Madame!
HELEN
Oh, think what you like, Sir, think what you like!
Enter Agamemnon and Calchas.
AGAMEMNON
Princess...
HELEN
You can't imagine how unbearable he is!
I just can't go on!...
MENELAUS
I want an explanation... I must have one, now!
HELEN
Don't forget that it's to me you owe the crown of Sparta.
MENELAUS
Yes, thank you. But if this goes on, I'll have to hold that crown in my hand,
because I won't be able to get it on my head.
AGAMEMNON
laughing
Very funny!
MENELAUS
Isn't it?
HELEN
So what are you accusing me of, then?
MENELAUS
What do you think?
HELEN
All right then. On your head be it...
No.19 - Couplets
HELEN
In all this, really, I wasn't to blame...
And, 'pon my word, I don't understand it at all,
not at all, for he was adorable,
that king of kings, that Trojan prince!
He'd been taught by Venus,
and still I resisted...
He makes such a fuss about a dream,
my goodness, what would he say if it were reality?
I'm finding it so difficult to fight against,
so think on, don't annoy me...
You are the husband of Helen:
take care, King Menelaus!
Take care that I don't finish off
what Fate has started!
You cried because of a dream...
I'll make you cry over the real thing!
MENELAUS
But my Nellie...
HELEN
I'll make you yell about reality!
MENELAUS
Oh, my sweetie...
AGAMEMNON
Well then! S you're sacrificing your country
to keep a woman you treat like that?
MENELAUS
Sacrifice it to what?
CALCHAS
To the terrible blight that Venus has unleashed!
AGAMEMNON
Terrible! Men are leaving their wives,
wives leaving their husbands...
CALCHAS
That's Venus's revenge for you!
AGAMEMNON
And what is Venus taking revenge for?
MENELAUS
How should I know?
AGAMEMNON
She's taking revenge because you've frus-tra-ted her!
MENELAUS
Of course, she must have wanted to make me look silly!
But I got rid of Paris, and quite rightly!
CALCHAS
Sire, the husband must give way to the monarch.
Look what you've done!
AGAMEMNON and CALCHAS
It's total breakdown!
No. 20 - Patriotic Trio
AGAMEMNON
While Greece is become a field of slaughter,
while husbands are being sacrificed,
you're living happily in the bosom of your household...
giving not a fig for your country's woes!
CALCHAS
Just look what's going on!
AGAMEMNON
The husband drops the wife...
CALCHAS
And the wife in her turn
deserts her loving husband.
MENELAUS
But what do you want me to do about it?
AGAMEMNON and CALCHAS
While Greece is become afield of slaughter,
while husbands are being sacrificed,
you're living happily in the bosom of your household...
giving not a fig for your country's woes!
MENELAUS
I'm living happily in the bosom of my household,
giving not a fig for my country's woes!
CALCHAS
And these unfortunate occurrences
will go on beyond the present time.
AGAMEMNON
In time to come, I see the long line
of Menelaus's successors:
they'll be counted by the hundred thousand...
CALCHAS
They'll be counted by the hundred thousand,
if you don't make up your mind
to jump to it like a prince.
AGAMEMNON
Jump to it, quickly now, it's urgent,
look at the state of Greece.
It's one big orgy,
and Venus, Venus Astarte
is the one leading this infernal dance...
All is pleasure and voluptuousness!
Virtue, duty, honour, morals,
all is carried away on the tide!...
to Menelaus, very softly
You understand
that this can't go on for long.
Instead of tripping the Pyrrhic,
as we were taught of old,
that noble dance, that classical dance,
everywhere now see how
they dance some eccentric,
nameless caper, something like this...
He dances.
You understand
that this can't go on for long.
CALCHAS and AGAMEMNON
You understand
that this can't go on for long.
MENELAUS
I understand
that this can't go on for long.
CALCHAS
Come on! Sacrifice yourself!
AGAMEMNON
Come on! Sacrifice yourself!
CALCHAS
One must bow to the law!
AGAMEMNON
One must bow to the law!
Sacrifice yourself!
AGAMEMNON and CALCHAS
He's swaying! He can hardly breathe!
MENELAUS
J'expire!
CALCHAS and AGAMEMNON
To the human race you must render a service:
sacrifice yourself, though it would be painful!
By this fine sacrifice you will save
future Menelauses!
MENELAUS
To the human race why should I be of service?
Sacrifice myself? No! That would he painful!
Let's leave, leave this noble sacrifice
to future Menelauses!
The gods in their immortal wisdom
have allotted me a strange function...
if the goddess must have one of us,
why does it have to be me?
Her husband ought to have been enough for her!
AGAMEMNON and CALCHAS
He's blaspheming in his delirium!
To the human race you must render a service:
sacrifice yourself, though it would lie painful!
By this fine sacrifice you will save
future Menelauses!
MENELAUS
To the human race why should I be of service?
Sacrifice myself? No! That would be painful!
Let's leave, leave this noble sacrifice
to future Menelauses!
AGAMEMNON
When the gods command, they command.
Look: I love my daughter Iphigenia. But if the gods asked me for her,
I'd tell them: "She's yours, here she comes!"
MENELAUS
There's perhaps another way in my case...
CALCHAS
But the first way is quite all right! Quite all right!
AGAMEMNON
You have a wife.., they ask you for her.., you hand her over.
CALCHAS
Elementary!
MENELAUS
Won't you let me speak?
AGAMEMNON
Yes, but it's not always worth...
MENELAUS
Will you please...
AGAMEMNON
Sorry! Speak.
MENELAUS
Calchas! This'll make you throw a wobbly.
CALCHAS
And why would I throw a wobbly?
MENELAUS
Well.., I've written to Cythera...
to Agamemnon
You'll see, he's going to throw a wobbly.
I've written to Cythera and asked them to send us Venus's Grand Augur.
CALCHAS
jumping up
Another Grand Augur! Competition! Oh, the shame!
AGAMEMNON
He's wobbling all right! All right.
Calchas, when you've finished wobbling...
It's not a bad idea... You have to see...
CALCHAS
furious and still hopping around
Another Augur!
MENELAUS
Yes. And now the winds are favourable,
I think that's him coming in to shore.
The galley sails in, with Paris disguised as an Augur.
No. 21a - Chorus and Paris's Couplets
CHORUS
The galley
from Cythera!
Over here!
Here it is!
One and all
let's take our places
so that we can
greet it,
the galley
from Cythera.
MENELAUS
And now, all kneel to implore the goddess's pardon.
CHORUS
The whole of Greece, in prayer,
Grand Augur, is at your knees.
Her voice is sad and tremulous.
Have pity on us, have pity on us!
No. 21b - Yodelling song with Chorus
GRAND AUGUR
For a start, then, o vile multitude,
be quite clear that I'm not accustomed
to being greeted with plaintive rhythms;
you should have sung a chirpy, lively chorus,
for the cult of Venus is a joyful cult.
CHORUS
The cult of Venus is a joyful cult.
GRAND AUGUR
I'm jolly, be jolly, it's a must, I wish it!
CHORUS
He's jolly, let's be jolly, it's a must, he wishes it!
GRAND AUGUR
Yodl-ay-ee-oh!
Tra la la la la la!
I know there are some profound moralists
who make much of being sombre and sad,
but those people are vastly mistaken;
the really good fellow is full
of cheerfulness.
The cult of Venus is a joyful cult!
CHORUS
The cult of Venus is a joyful cult!
GRAND AUGUR
I'm jolly, be jolly, it's a must, I wish it.
CHORUS
He's jolly, let's be jolly, it's a must, he wishes it!
GRAND AUGUR
Yodl-ay-ee-oh!
Tra la la la la la!
CALCHAS
What a get-up for an augur!
GRAND AUGUR
You were saying, dear colleague?
CALCHAS
I said: "What a get-up for an augur!"
GRAND AUGUR
King of kings, ebullient Achilles, Ajax, Ajax,
Orestes, greetings and respect! And the queen?
AGAMEMNON
She's sulking.
GRAND AUGUR
Venus is good. She will forgive. She will forgive,
on condition that King Meoelaus does what is necessary.
MENELAUS
But if …
GRAND AUGUR
No ifs and buts, there'll be nothing unreasonable.
The queen will just have to make a little voyage.
ALL
Where to?
GRAND AUGUR
To a little island, over there... Very pretty!... Cythera.
AGAMEMNON
Cythera?
GRAND AUGUR
Yes. She will come with me on the galley,
and by her own hand she will sacrifice
a hundred white heifers to the goddess.
MENELAUS
Well all right, then!
So long as it's something reasonable you're asking!
Why should I mind?... Everything's settled!
The queen has to make a little voyage and sacrifice a hundred white heifers. Fine! Bravo! The queen will make a voyage, I have said so!
AGAMEMNON
Very neat... And if the queen doesn't want to...
GRAND AUGUR
So where is she then, the queen?
AJAX I
Here she is!
No.22 - Finale
CHORUS
She's coming! It's her!
She's coming! Here she is!
My goodness, she's beautiful,
despite all her cares!
HELEN
What voice was that I heard?
It was not unfamiliar!
MENELAUS
introducing Paris to Helen
The Grand Augur of Venus!...
Off to Cythera, to Cythera you must go,
to please the goddess and calm her wrath.
THE KINGS and ORESTES
Ah! Calm her wrath!
HELEN
to Menelaus
The offence was yours...
Leave me out of it, leave me alone!
GRAND AUGUR
I'll speak to her!
ORESTES
Yes, speak to her straight away!
AGAMEMNON and CALCHAS
But what will you say?
CHORUS
But what will you say?
GRAND AUGUR
The gods will inspire me.
softly, to Helen
I'm he who adores you,
Paris, the simple shepherd …
HELEN
What's this I hear?
PARIS
Will you still refuse
to board my craft?
HELEN
Yes! Honour keeps me ashore!
MENELAUS
Give way to my authority!
AGAMEMNON and CALCHAS
It's only just a little voyage!
HELEN
aside
It's Fate again!
CHORUS
Leave, noble queen,
leave, fair Helen!
Leave, leave, leave!
MENEALUS
Go on, leave for Cythera,
Leave for Cythera, leave for Cythera.
Do it, it's for me!
CHORUS
Obey the king!
ORESTES
Yes, get into the galley!
Into the galley! Into the galley!
CALCHAS
There's something going on here!
CHORUS
We all implore you!
AGAMEMNON
Passengers for Cythera!
The train is about to leave!
HELEN and PARIS
'Pon my word, let's leave for Cythera!
For Cythera, for Cythera!
That's what they'd like,
yes, that's what they'd like!
Yodl-ay-ee-oh!
PARIS
Leave for Cythera, don't let anything keep you!
CHORUS
Leave, leave, leave!
MENELAUS
Leave for Cythera, don't let anything keep you!
CHORUS
Leave, leave for Cythera, leave for Cythera!
Don't let anything keep you, leave for Cythera!
Leave, leave, leave!
Paris and Helen board the galley.
PARIS
revealing his identity
Don't expect her back,
King Menelaus!
I'm carrying Helen off!
She's mine!
I am Paris!
CHORUS
Leave, leave for Cythera!
On this galley,
shipshape and spry,
leave, leave for Cythera!
Happy landings
in that charming land,
in that place
where love reigns!